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June 24, 2011

"Which Type is the Best?"

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
This article both provides information, and is a rant at the same time. A very crude and possibly offensive rant. If you do not like crude or offensive stuff, then just don't read this, because you'll get mad, post an angry comment, and then you'll get even more mad because I won't give a shit. Also, if you hate rants and snappy comments, then, yet again, don't read this. Yes, I have requests to do. Yes, I have a R.A.P.S. article to write, and yes, I have another article planned, but guess what? I have time for a reason: so that I can put it to use later.

"Which Type is the Best?" is a question I see on the Pokébase more than "What is your Favorite Pokémon?". It's an annoying question that's about as ignorant as putting a worm on a fly-fishing rod, reeling out into a pond, and expecting to catch a whale; it's a ridiculous question to ask, and simply shows how ignorant you are.

A question like this is the same as any other relative question from the goddamn fanbase. There IS no right answer to this because, like every other aspect of an RPG that demands some sort of criteria for balance (I use the term "balance" looser than your mom's...nevermind), every type in the game has pros and cons, usual sets of abilities, predominant stats, movepools, and other points of judging that make people think type categories are a contest. Frankly, I blame the gym leaders for making the fanbase act like this.

But I digress, maybe I shouldn't be talking, because I love Bug-types. The difference, however, is that I don't go around blabbing about how Bug-types are the gift of Arceus and are able to smolder every other type easily. This whole pile of crap is like racism, albeit not being exactly offensive. This whole issue is like a bad Comedy movie: The content reflects something offensive, but simply leaves everyone in a shitty mood.

And so, I give you a quick rundown of all the types in Pokémon, and reasons why you shouldn't bitch about them all. Seriously, the fanbase annoys the hell out of me when I see petty arguments over types. Who knows, if I'm feeling generous, I may even analyze some popular dual-types:


NORMAL:


The plainest of the plain. Normal-types have a resistance to Ghost attacks and a weakness to Fighting attacks. I like Normal-types a lot, myself, because of how much variety there is. There's almost never a set criteria to Normal-types and are usually unpredictable, so they're pretty cool. Most have a lot of HP too (Ursaring, Blissey, Dunsparce, Snorlax, Wigglytuff, Tauros), so they're fun to develop strategies with.

Why shouldn't you complain about them? Sure, they have an immunity and only one weakness, but that one weakness is the most common in OU at the moment, and their STAB gets no super-effective coverage, is resisted by two types, and not even calculated by another. So you can take that poor Blissey to the bank, because Normal-types have it freakin' hard, since people think they're boring anyway.


FIRE:


Along with Electric-types, Fire-types are the most bland and predictable in the whole game. They'll either be stalls with Will-O-Wisp, or sweep in the sun with STAB and Solarbeam. Seriously, can you deny that this is what 85% of Fire-types are used for? Hence why very few teams use them. Not to mention their three common weaknesses to Rock, Ground, and Water. Yeah, being weak to Stone, Eathquake, and Surf sucks ass. Better yet, being weak to STEALTH ROCK sucks ass.

They're not horrible though, because without Fire-types, Bug/Steel and Grass/Steel types would be the most annoying creation since the Common Cold. Their offensive prowess prove to melt away some of the most annoying types, ridding of Steel-type assholes, Grass-type Subseeders, and Ice--oh wait, nevermind.


WATER:


Besides being your Surf/Waterfall/Dive/Whirlpool-Whores for in-game (I love Slowpoke), Water-types are usually pretty impressive Pokémon in battle. Having access to Water-type STAB is a blessing, as the coverage alone will leave you magically turned on. Having super-effective coverage toward Ground, Fire, and Rock-type Pokémon is pretty awesome.

Not to mention that all Water-types usually have wonderfully balanced stats and movepools. For some crack-headed reason, most Water-types from Heartgold and Soulsilver were given a couple Ground-type moves to use, which is always nice. Most Water-types also utilize Ice-type moves, so that jackass Dragons will finally be slaughtered and hung from the hide by a rusty hook. They always seem to be passable in every stat; not incredible stats, but just balanced and safe.

Water-types should NEVER be overestimated though, because any overly powerful Pokémon can take them out. Add the fact that a mostly-used group of them have a x4 weakness to either Grass or Electric takes away from the appeal. Finally, most of the Water-types just look stupid. Lumineon, Mantine, Omastar, Pelliper, Ludicolo; the list goes on forever, regarding some of the retarded-looking faces these freaks wear. Most importantly, there are way too many Water-types. In closing, I'm sure that the gene pool for Magikarp and Tentacool are about as wide as an anorexic hobo at a soup kitchen, which is another reason to hate these incest weirdos.


GRASS:

A type that pretty much sucks. 90% of Grass-types in-game will just put you to sleep or steal your HP. In competitive battling, it's the same thing, except every second Pokémon can remove them from existence. FIVE WEAKNESSES: Fire, Flying, Poison, Bug, and Ice. What a goddamn joke. Is Game Freak actually thinking when they do shit, or do they just scribble all over concept boards with half-dead Sharpie markers so that they can't adjust anything? Let alone understand what they just wrote. Obviously, Grass-types need some serious help, or therapy.

They always learn a bunch of Grass-type moves that either don't help competitively (Poisonpowder, Stun Spore, Cotton Spore, Grasswhistle), or have limitations to their use because of rules or stats (Sleep Powder, Spore, Giga Drain). The only risk-free thing to do witha Grass-type is to get the absolute most BEAST Grass-type you can find, and make them hide behind a Substitute while you drain away the opponent with Leech Seed and a random attack. Grass-types are such pussies like this: why can't they just man up, grow a set of balls, and actually fight?

OH YEAH, THAT RIGHT.

Because they SUCK.

In closing: Yes, Grass-types suck, but if you do Subseeding or use Serperior, then you're good to go. Remember, though: If it's NOT Serperior, then 90% chance it's gonna try stalling. Get one of its bajillion weaknesses in there, and you're set.


ELECTRIC:


The most empty, bland, boring, and emotionless type in the game. If the types were a classroom, the Electric-type would be the depressed Emo kid who just writes in his notebook about how terrible his life is. Elecric-types have it fairly easy: one weakness, three resistances, and the ability to tame the mighty gyarados just by poking it with the tip of their finger. So correct me: Electric-types are the whiny Emo kid that are secretly attention whores who try to make their life sound horrible when it's actually a cakewalk. And if you want to ask me, those kinds of kids are annoying. Really annoying.

Electric-types are just boring, I'll say that much. They learn electric-type moves, and most of the time, that's basically it. If they don't walk on four legs, they may learn a few low-end fighting-type moves (Electivire, Raichu, Eelectross). The problem is that so many of the Electric-types have designs that don't bring forth ideas for moves. Magnezone? Uhhh, well, it's a UFO...Let's just give it a bunch of energy-based moves? Jolteon, it's a fox/dog-thing...What COULD you give it? Manectric...Another dog. Dammit.

They're so bland and stupid, yet they're wonderfully balanced with the rest of them. While the Pokémon themselves suck more than a stripper getting paid more than she should, the attacks are fairly well-spread, and provide coverage against Water and Flying-types; two types known to screw over teams.



FLYING:


half of them are Normal/Flying, except NOTHING GOOD about the Normal typing rubs off on them. So with a Flying-type, what you usually end up with is Flying-type moves with Return and Steel Wing. They're as plain as they come, and predictable too. Except, unlike Fire-types, most of their moves aren't even overly helpful. They provide fair coverage against Grass, Bug, and Fighting-types, but so mny other types can handle them all better. A Flying-type usually just feels like a waste of space on a team, like that douchebag cousin that you avoid at family reunions.

Even if it has a different subtype that isn't Psychic or Steel, you're just getting generic extra coverage to pair with a weakness to Rock, Ice, and Electric, meaning you shouldn't even put Flying-types up against Fighting-types, since most of them carry Stone Edge. Seriously, there's not much I can say about them that's actually positive: What can a Flying-type do that most others can't? Not much, really. Flying-types aren't even that bad, since it usually comes down to damage output and stats, but nothing about them really stands out.


ROCK:


The defensive side is a mediocre Steel-type, but the attacking side is a great asset that crushes Flying, Fire, and Bug-types. It's not a bad type, but the weaknesses to Water, Grass, Ground, and Steel makes the type's defensive emphasis worthless, usually leaving the Rock-types with little to work with, since the Attack they MAY have is just made useless with low Speed. Basically, Rock-types were only useful in the Gameboy era.

A Special Defense boost in a Sandstorm is always nice, but Golem, Onix, Rhydon, Probopass, and Aggron are still pretty much useless, thanks to the x4 weaknesses. Yeah, just use Stone Edge on your other burly Pokémon; the STAB boost isn't worth the one turn they'll last.


GROUND:


A type that's been licking Game Freak's balls from the beginning. Every generation that goes by, the Ground-types just keep getting better, and it's kind of a pain to be hit by a STAB move with a Base Power of 100 alone. Ground-types are far form broken though, because their bulk is usually only average, and the weaknesses to Water, Grass, and Ice make them easy targets.

Levitate is also a good reason why they aren't broken. Levitate basically just makes their STAB useless, which is a huge kick to the groin. Pokémon like Flygon, Bronzong, Azelf, and even Flying-types just laugh as the Ground-types jump in the air, reaching to land their hit on them. It's kind of funny, but just reflects Game Freak's efforts to clean up the huge mess they made. Hell, they even introduced the "Air Balloon" a Gen 5 item that gives you the levitation until you get hit by an attack.

I'm glad that Game Freak actually made an effort to power them down a bit, but now we need some other types to be powered UP.


BUG:


Condemned to the gas chambers by the cultists we call "game developers", the Bug-types are basically the equivalent of someone playing golf with a baseball bat: they're painful to put to use, and in the long run, you'll just regret using them. I love Bug-types more than anything, but it' be ignorant for me to say that they're a good type to use in battle, because they're not.

They're a sack of shit.


Bug-types are essentially Grass-types, except their stats are nerfed, their resistances and weaknesses are nerfed, and were basically made by Game Freak just to put in a crappy "Beginning-of-the-game-Pokémon-that-fully-evovles-fast-but-is-basically-shitty-in-ever-way" kind of type. Yeah, I love starting a new game in Pokémon Blue and catching a Weedle, and having it fully evolve and kick ass at level 10, but as the other Pokémon start evolving later, they turn out to be stronger, with Beedrill being about the equal and rival to an Ivysaur. Bug-types are useful, but only in-game, and I mean that.

Now, you can be a total dick and pick up a Bug/Steel type like Scizor and piss off everybody online with Bullet Punch and one weakness, but really, if you do that then you're just selling out to the general public that is about as redundant and boring as sex with your middle-aged wife. Be edgy and use a Butterfree, get your ass handed to you, experience the battler laughing at you, but embrace the laughter, as you know that YOU have balls and did not sell out to the aspies at Smogon.

Other than that valuable life lesson, though, Bugs suck unless their stats are absolutely stacked, or they're Bug/Steel type.


POISON:


God, nobody even likes Poison-types. They're only weak to Ground and Psychic, they're immune Toxic, have no weakness to Stealth Rock, and last time I checked, Koga's Muk is the reason why you have a panic chamber built into your closet. Now, I usually try my best to stay unbiased, and I realize that sometimes I DO get a tad biased, despite my efforts not to. I also admit that both me AND DT usually cream a the thought of a good Poison-type, so I'm being extra careful not to be too favorable.

While Poison-types are indeed immune to Poison and are masters of a balance between stall, bulk, and power, they still have gaping wounds where their problems settle into. Firstly, those stupid assholes known as Steel-types are immune to Poison. Really, if they weren't overpowered enough, then they surely are now. You can't even fight fire with fire and try to outstall a Steel-type and their eleven resistances, because they're IMMUNE to poison-types too. Poison-types have a hard-enough time trying to fare anyway, so why throw that cow pie in their face?

Next, Koga's Muk is an inspiration to us all, and show us how stalling is REALLY done, but because of the stupid rules of the metagame, there's no Double Team or Minimize allowed. It's bad enough that Steel-types just sponge every second attack they throw at you, and that it's impossible to sponge a Dragon's attack unless a steel-type is taking it, but now luck isn't even allowed in the metagame. If every lucky victory in history wasn't allowed to happen, where would we be?

Stop your sulking, Smogonites, and realize that sometimes you just LOSE. DOn't even try to persuade me by saying that Minimize is bolstered now, and that Brightpowder isn't fair; Ferrothorn isn't fair too, but he's not banned. Shell Smash isn't far, but is still allowed. In life, there are times where you're stupid, and another is smart, and you lose for it. Deal with it, you whiny tartlets.



ICE:


...HAHAHAHA, this type is a joke, but the attacks they learn are so crucial to the survival of the metagame. The metagame is the dying patient, and the Ice-type attacks are the lifeline keeping it alive; the Ice-type Pokémon are just the electrons powering the machine, meaning that they're important nonetheless, but just not noticed or cared about.

Ice-types themselves are a joke; basically as bad as Bugs. They have a weakness to Rock, Fighting, Fire, and Steel. Bad enough that many of those types are extremely common, but also the fact that so many Ice-types are confused about what they wanna be. With most Ice-types, their stats are so retardedly placed that you wouldn't be surprised if a worker with no fingers typed in the values for them. Most of them you'd think to be sweepers, but are so slow. Cloyster just has a shitty typing for defense anyway. Dewgong has shitty typing ALONGSIDE average bulk. Jynx just sucks in every way. Mamoswine is okay, but again, the typing sucks.

EVERYTHING mixed with Ice just turns out being worse than they initially would be. Not to mention that the few pure Ice-types have a movepool as shallow as a puddle in the desert. Use Ice Beam on your Water-type, where it's actually viable, because Ice-types will never have a future, at this rate.


DRAGON:


Every second Pokémon in this stupid family of types has as many stat points as you have pounds on your waistline, Fat Lady. All cruel jokes aside, they're super strong. If you use them in-game, you're guaranteed winning the game, and the same is basically expected competitively. We've officially hit the age where fairytale dragons are ripping each other apart in a giant death-brawl-orgy of disappointing Outrage being received and sent back.

If you've played against one Dragon, you've played against them all. They use Dragon Dance for one or two turns, then use either Dragon Claw or Outrage. For coverage, they usually use Stone Edge, Crunch, Surf, or Flamethrower alongside Earthquake (Remember kiddies: If it learns Earthquake, IT BETTER F&$KING HAVE IT!). Dragons may be the strongest Poké of them all, but man, they're so boring to use.

95% of them have a x4 Ice weakness though, so HAR HAR HAR.


STEEL:


Oh my good God. If the Ground-types have been licking Game Freak's balls, then the Steel-types have been sucking some major dick to get where they are today.

Yeah, I've been droning on and on and on and on about all the crappy types in the game, and how usually only their ATTACKS are worth using, but in this case, it's the complete opposite. Steel-types, offensively, have the shittiest STAB in history (Well, Poison's or Ghost's isn't too impressive, but you get it...). They hit Rock and Ice super-effectively, but who cares? Nobody uses those types, and if they did, every other Pokémon on your team could decimate them anyway. As for resisting, Steel does not hit well against, Fire, Steel, Water, and Electric. Wow.

However, the thing that breaks Steel-types like a schizophrenic at a rave concert is the fact that STeel-types have A LOT of resistances: Normal, Grass, Ice, Flying, Psychic, Bug, Rock, Ghost, Dark, Steel, adn even the Dragons themselves. What the hell was Game Freak thinking with giving Steel-types 11 RESISTANCES?! Did they not take a moment to just think,

"Hmm, well, we have an idea to give this new type 11 resistances of the 17 types available, but maybe we shouldn't, as the average type only has about 4 or five. It could leave things a tad unfair, if we try to expand the type at all, or make some more offensive rather than defensive..."


Of course not. That would require Game Freak to actually reconsider an idea.


PSYCHIC:


A type that I feel actually made a nice transition. It used to be way too overpowered in generation 1, ut as each generation passed, Game Freak did their best to bring down the many winning assets of Psychic-types without making them useless. While their STAB is a little on the "meh" side, they're still left as the number one go-to type to take out a Fighting-type, seeing as Flying-types just fail at it, now.

Psychic-types also learn a lot of interesting move that adds more of a depth of strategy to the game, rather than just blowing everything to bits like a kid-themed Call of Duty. Moves like Dream Eater, Magic Coat, Reflect, Syncrhonise, and Psyshock make this type actually worth trying out if you wanna toy around with the opponent. Weaknesses to Dark and Ghost and hitting Fighting-types and Poison-types super-effectively is a grand example of what I would call "balance".


GHOST:


Ghosts are basically Dark-types, except they have different weaknesses, resistances, etc. However, strangely enough, they hit the SAME types for super-effective damage. Since Ghosts came first, it will lead to me bagging on Dark-types for being unoriginal little pricks.

Ghost-types are a lot like Psychic-types in the fact that they have a lot of sneaky moves that can be used to throw off opponents. However, almost PARALLEL to Psychic-types, they are more offensively strategic, whereas Psychic types try not to take damage. Moves like Night Shade, Nightmare, Curse Hex, and Confuse Ray lead to Ghosts being pretty potent offensive stalls that can easily knock out chunks of HP at a time while you lay helpless and at their mercy.

They're a pretty cool type, and like with Psychic-types, I wouldn't call them overpowered or underpowered, but pretty well-balanced. However, the resistances to Normal and Fighting leads to a lot of Blissey fanboys getting enraged by being walled by Gengar. In simplest terms: fun to use; a pissfest to square off against.


DARK:


Their designs are cliché, their stats are cliché, their movepools are cliché, and even their super-effective types are copying Ghosts. I seriously don't get why Dark-types were made...

Oh yeah, now I remember.

To appeal to the Animé-watching "Scene-Queen" weeaboos that society has learned to despise with every bone of its crumbling body.

Dark-types are basically Ghost-types, minus the strategy, resistances, cool moves, and basically everything else that was redeeming about them, leading me to believe that, go figure, Dark-types come from the very pits of Hell, and that Game Freak accidentally put them into Pokémon's game code when trying to send them in a barred cage to Square Enix for them to use in their shitty RPG games. It's the only explanation, really.

In spite of wordy jokes, the Dark-types aren't nearly as bland as say, Fire-types or Electric-types, but they're definitely as predictable, and I GUARANTEE you that you'll never see a pure Dark-type not named Darkrai actually being used, because Dark-type coverage sucks on its own, and that's all Dark-types learn unless they have a subtype.
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